Friday, January 30, 2009

Being gay makes me blue.....sometimes

Most days, I am in an upbeat, pleasant mood. I usually accept life as it is and remain optimistic that better days will come. I spend most of my time meditating on what I do possess and try diligently not to lament about my deficiencies. I make a conscious effort to not obsess about my double minority status. I try not to be affected by homophobia, bigotry, ignorance, hypocrisy, poverty, or anything else that has the potential to upset my delicate equilibrium. Having been trained as a mental health professional, I am able to recognize when my reserves are waning before I reach the "empty" level. Despite all of the energy I invest, I am not immune to getting into a funk.

Sometimes it's hearing friends talk about their partners and children. Other times it's just plain 'ole loneliness or isolation. Although I am involved in a lot of activities, I do yearn for consistent human interaction. Writing and blogging are cool, but when I turn this computer off or put my pen down, I am left with me, myself, and I. This lifestyle can be so exhausting.

What to do? I learned from an atheist years ago that life is akin to being thrust into the middle of the ocean. When the waves come, we can fight or allow ourselves to be temporarily submerged. Then, when the tide has passed, we can return to the surface and breathe again.

I know there are things I can do to make myself more accessible. I could go back to the clubs or reactivate my Adam4Adam account. But why would I do such things? Instead, I will continue to believe in the infinite possibilities of the unknowable future. As my experience with "husband" has taught me, I can put myself in a position to be noticed, but I cannot MAKE anyone love me. While that's the case, I can still jam my ass off!

I'll Be (Jay-Z and Foxy Brown)

8 comments:

Shallotte said...

There's a Phill Collins song that goes something like: "You cant hurry love/You just have to wait/They say love don't come easy/It's a game of give and take/".

But I totally get what you're saying. I sometimes find myself in a similar siuation where I long for that bond with another person. Sometimes I just wanna be hugged by that special person & other times, I want more than that. But I always guard against leaving myself vulnerable to a point where I might end up in a compromising situation I will later regret, because I know that these feelings will pass.

I don't know about the clubs or that Adam4Adam site, and yea, why would you do such a thing? Unless there is a high success rate of finding a meaningful relationship there?... Which I doubt!?

But don't they say, "good things come to those who wait"? Easier said than done, isn't it? When lonileness comes and it tears you up inside, who remembers that saying and finds comfort in it? But I do think that patience pays off, eventually.

Sometimes we have to exercise self control, but again it depends on the kind of values you have.
Otherwise, there is no way of making someone love you. Either love is there, or it isn't. And you cannot hurry it.

Tough, isn't it? But I feel you on this one.

thegayte-keeper said...

I know this funk all too well mister...It hurts and stings like hell ESPECIALLY when you are ready for that real life commitment with someone. I used to tell myself that he simply wasn't ready to get started on us just yet so I need to be patient and just be submerged until the wave of loneliness passed...don't loose heart he's there and this is coming from a man that was single for 3 years before meeting his future...

Losojosnuevos said...

S and K:

Thanks for the love. Thus far, I am having a much better day. I'll definitely feel better once I hit the gym. I am definitely learning how to deal with the loneliness in a constructively. Be well, my friends.

Langston Baldwin said...

I so feel you brotha.

A lot of Beautiful brothas with beautuful spirits are just in cue.
It's the one's that truly desire fulfiling REALationships will get them in love's time.

Love that part about reactivating
adam4adam account--- Resist. :)

Thank you for that comment on my page- it REALLY cleared my head.

I agree, blogging is goood therapy but sometimes I feel so damn needy. LOL

Anonymous said...

I always thought of Atlanta as having a large number of gay people to socialize (i.e., date/marry) with. I guess more is not necessarily better?

Losojosnuevos said...

LangstonBaldwin:
Thanks for the love. I have absolutely no desire to reactivate that account. If I wanted sex, I could have had plenty. Some of those guys were very direct. It was fun while it lasted.

Anonymous:
Quality vs. Quantity.

Anonymous said...

I have found (I'm a middle-aged black gay man) that most gay men who find "lasting love" tend to be sexually adventurous. Meaning they "go thru" (so to speak) any number of men before they find "the one". It's part of the reality of being a gay man. Sometimes being a gay man is not "nice". Thinking that love (or even sex) is going to land on your doorstep is magical thinking.

Of course, I can understand the pain of becoming jaded when love doesn't seem to ever appear on the horizon and/or the fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease particularly HIV/AIDS.

You have to find a balance between being careful and getting "out there" to find your life partner. I've found that if a gay man doesn't find the one while he's in his 20s or 30s he probably never will, although there are exceptions to that.

The few black gay men I've known over the years who found a lasting love in middle-age (40s and up) usually found it with non-black men.

Losojosnuevos said...

Anonymous:

Excellent insight. My issue is that I do not patronage places frequented by gay men. I'm not into the clubs or bars. Fret not. I'm in the process of creating opportunities for myelf and other like-minded, relationship- and network-oriented LGBT folks (and allies). Stay tuned.