Thursday, February 12, 2009

A New Day



One of the things that got me into the "helping profession" is my desire to assist people make sense of their lives. Having spent nearly half of my life wishing to be someone other than the man I am, I can empathize with people who feel inadequate and damaged. I understand how a person's experiences can negatively impact her/his worldview. Lord knows I used to view the world as an inhospitable place. Not being able to experience intimacy influenced my desire to want to exit this life expediently. It wasn't fun watching my friends differentiate and develop romantic relationships. It wasn't fun always being the third wheel. As far as I was concerned, God had been very unkind to me from the moment of conception. Confined to an existence that would terminate with me spending eternity in hell (so I was taught) gave me little to look forward to. I lived in misery, pain, despair, and agony. It got so bad that I didn't want to see other people happy. I became a grinch. There were times when I was able to display gratitude and genuine peace. However, despite my best efforts to embrace life consistently, I couldn't envision a positive future for myself. Death seemed like a gift. Thank God He doesn't answer all prayers.

I am drawn to people with complex, fragmented backgrounds. I have had clients tell me they want to die. One client told me he didn't know or love himself. When I ask clients to look into my pink, handheld mirror (one of the tools I use during counseling sessions), most of them hand it back to me within five seconds. Personally, I am no longer fearful of facing myself. Only after honestly assessing your deficiences can you begin the process of becoming a new creation. Thankfully, I have been blessed to witness a few of my clients integrate the material we cover and move toward lasting recovery. It is absolutely beautiful to watch.

So, how did I shed the pain of the past and become the fabulous Losojosnuevos? I've learned to have realistic expectations of myself and others. I had to recognize that LGBT folks aren't the only ones who experience sadness and distress. I stopped seeing myself as a VICTIM. I grew a damn backbone and learned to speak up for myself. I embrace my strengths and do everything in my power to correct my inadequacies (a brotha don't have no flaws!). I've developed farsightedness. The future intrigues me. In order for me to receive the blessings God has for me, tomorrow MUST come. When adversity comes along, I roll with it (most of the time). I surround myself with positive, honest people. I try not to frown or complain too much. I'm a hugger. I laugh as often as I can. I ADJUST MY ATTITUDE FREQUENTLY (I can be a moody MF-er sometimes). Most importantly, I attack each day with optimism and hope. Be blessed, y'all.

A New Day For You, by Basia

6 comments:

Shallotte said...

J, OF ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID, THE ONE THING THAT BOTHERS ME IS THE STATEMENT 'NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPERIENCE INTIMACY', AND THAT YOU ALWAYS FELT LIKE A THIRD WHEEL.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I KNOW IN AN EARLIER POST YOU SAID YOU HAVEN'T HAD SOMEONE THAT YOU COULD TAKE HOME TO MOM. I DIDN'T COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT. PARDON ME IF THE QUESTION SEEMS STUPID.

DID YOU MEAN YOU'VE HAD 'ENCOUNTERS' WITH MEN BUT THEY NEVER DEVELOPED INTO SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS?
OR
YOU'VE NEVER HAD INTIMACY OF ANY KIND WITH ANOTHER MAN? IF THAT IS THE CASE, WAS IT BECAUSE YOU HAD NOT EMBRACED WHO YOU ARE OR WAS IT BECAUSE NO ONE LOOKED IN YOUR DIRECTION / THE PEOPLE YOU WANTED DIDN'T WANT YOU BACK?

Shallotte said...

AND YEA, BEING MOODY IS A TOTAL NO-NO. BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE DOING A BIT OF RE-ADJUSTMENT.

Losojosnuevos said...

Well, S, the men I've come into contact with have all been unavailable for some reason or other. Some were simply interested in sex. One was in a relationship with a woman. A few others were just full of it. Most, sadly, were heterosexual. I'm extremely selective, which has probably protected me from contracting stds.

With respect to my moodiness, I'm working on it.

Shallotte said...

WELL, AFTER ALL THAT, AND IF YOU SAY ITS NOW A NEW DAY, THEN I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

(RE BEING FRIENDS, I'D LIKE TO BE A FRIEND, IF YOU'D LIKE TO BE A FRIEND).

KEEP SMILING, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, AND KEEP GIVING ALL THOSE HUGS.

*LOVE & KISSES*

thegayte-keeper said...

I like the fact that you came to such a wonderful resolve for your life and its direction...we need angels like you to keep the world spinning...

Losojosnuevos said...

Thanks Gayte-keeper. I try.